Just a Random Ramble
I don't know what this post is about yet. Maybe I will by the end. I just really needed to get it out. What is it? I don't even know. It's been an emotionally overwhelming few months. You know the saying, "When it rains it pours"? It fits.
A few months ago I had my scariest flareup to date, affecting my walking. That seemed to be the beginning of the end of peace for me. So much of what has troubled my family and therefor my sanity are private situations that I can't talk about to friends, let alone on this public forum, but saying that it is all going on should help a little. I have this outlet, that I really don't take full advantage of. This blog is basically a journal that's not meant to be private. I often forget it's here though.
I rely heavily on my husband and sister to keep me sane, and they do a phenomenal job as support. But sometimes I need more. This need for an expanded audience to hear my woes isn't because either of them is faulty as a support. It isn't because my God won't comfort me no matter what I confess. It's because I have this uncontrollable need to be validated. I realize that this is an unpopular confession, but it's true. When I'm failing, I need someone else to admit their humanity as well and tell me that it's okay. When I am feeling guilty for all that I lay at the feet of Mario and Dannielle, I need someone to tell me that it's acceptable to be so reliant on them.
Why is it so important to hear these things from strangers? Because strangers have no emotional investment into my well being. A stranger is less likely to tell me that it's okay to be weak today than my husband is. Mario wants to help me no matter the cost to himself. A stranger might tell me if I'm expecting to much. That makes it easier to believe the stranger when he doesn't call me out. And even if someone were to say, "Don't you think that you're being a little selfish, whiny, demanding, (insert negativity here)," it would still validate the guilt that I heap onto myself on an almost daily basis.
I guess I just need this place to let the negativity out sometimes, so I don't have to carry it around with me, or drop it on any one in particular. Now that I've gotten it out, though, I still can't think of a title for this post.
A few months ago I had my scariest flareup to date, affecting my walking. That seemed to be the beginning of the end of peace for me. So much of what has troubled my family and therefor my sanity are private situations that I can't talk about to friends, let alone on this public forum, but saying that it is all going on should help a little. I have this outlet, that I really don't take full advantage of. This blog is basically a journal that's not meant to be private. I often forget it's here though.
I rely heavily on my husband and sister to keep me sane, and they do a phenomenal job as support. But sometimes I need more. This need for an expanded audience to hear my woes isn't because either of them is faulty as a support. It isn't because my God won't comfort me no matter what I confess. It's because I have this uncontrollable need to be validated. I realize that this is an unpopular confession, but it's true. When I'm failing, I need someone else to admit their humanity as well and tell me that it's okay. When I am feeling guilty for all that I lay at the feet of Mario and Dannielle, I need someone to tell me that it's acceptable to be so reliant on them.
Why is it so important to hear these things from strangers? Because strangers have no emotional investment into my well being. A stranger is less likely to tell me that it's okay to be weak today than my husband is. Mario wants to help me no matter the cost to himself. A stranger might tell me if I'm expecting to much. That makes it easier to believe the stranger when he doesn't call me out. And even if someone were to say, "Don't you think that you're being a little selfish, whiny, demanding, (insert negativity here)," it would still validate the guilt that I heap onto myself on an almost daily basis.
I guess I just need this place to let the negativity out sometimes, so I don't have to carry it around with me, or drop it on any one in particular. Now that I've gotten it out, though, I still can't think of a title for this post.
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