Denial and Avoidance

   I had a defibrillator implanted 3 weeks ago. Recovery was reasonably fast, but very painful and stressful. I've been feeling numb about my heart condition lately. The defibrillator does not help me feel better or treat symptoms. It's there to shock my heart if it stops suddenly. That's it. The only course of action with regards to my heart condition is treating the symptoms with medications and finish up the tests required for me to get on the transplant waiting list.

   Here's where avoidance comes in. I have to take a 2 hour long stress test using a treadmill. I cannot take a shower by myself because the risk of passing out from the exertion is so high. Yet I'm going to get on a treadmill for 2 hours. I'm done. No! I've been poked, prodded, and squeezed. The Femoral Right and Left Catheter was a shock and deeply upsetting. A simple office visit and IV in my neck turned out nothing like I was told by the heart failure specialist. I was prepped and wheeled into the OR, full nurse staff on hand. After receiving anesthesia, two leads (wires) were inserted into my groin to access the Femoral artery, which is a highly pressurized major artery. Think puncturing your jugular, but in your groin. The leads are weeded up to just outside my heart to take pressure measurements that will be needed for a transplant. I was rolled into recovery. Could not move for 3 hours to insure the artery clots properly. Otherwise, I could rupture the clot and bleed to death in a matter of minutes. Absolutely frightening! Realizing I was bloody down in my nether regions from leakage after the procedure was an added bonus.

   A 45 minute MRI turned out to be over 2 hours which was very difficult to cope with due to mild claustrophobia. I can go to my "happy place" but for so long before I'm in trouble. The feeling of entrapment in that machine is no joke. 

   So, I'm done. I cannot handle another horrible test that does not improve the quality of my life or my symptoms. I realize I need and will have to do this stress test, but I can't handle it right now. I'M DONE! Do I sound bitter today? That's because I am, and do not feel apologetic in the least.  I know these days will happen and that they will pass. Until then I'm going to play Words with Friends aggressively to blow off steam.