"Depression is just sadness, you shouldn't use that as an excuse"

What most people don't realize is that when someone actually has depression and they trust you, depression is very hard to discuss (thus my anonymity) with people whom you do not trust explicitly. When your depression decides to raise his dark, ugly head into your day, you feel as if you're in the lion's den, torch in hand. Out of nowhere your torch blows out and you have no idea where the lion is so you stand there freaking out, jumping at the littlest noise until the lion pounces on you. You succumb to the tears and the numbness that comes after. You know that this is not all there is, but you can't help crying and your brain feels like you're dead inside and have no emotions to show that you're actually alive; you sit and wonder if you are really just a shell that is meant to be inhabited by a human brain but isn't.

I have to tell myself every day that I can get through this day, I can get out of bed, I can finish the chores I'm responsible for, I can go into places where you have to interact with other human beings. Making myself appear as normal as possible whilst still trying to be myself, I make random jokes and puns to myself that should be hilariously awful but I laugh because I know that fact, not because I find it funny. I pick at the imperfections on my arms and legs because they're not perfect; I cried because the cap my dentist put on made my teeth look even more crooked after I'd just begun to have a confident smile. I don't dance anymore because it's not as fun as it used to be. I don't eat like I used to because food doesn't have as much flavor as I remember from when I was little. I need to be there for my friends and for my family but I feel as if there is no way I can do that if my mind and my heart are at war with how I'm feeling, whether I'm feeling anything or nothing at all. There are a lot of days that I surprise myself by even getting out of bed and getting dressed, let alone having to do things around the house or even, leaving the house.

I hate that I feel this way but I'm powerless to change it. It's not as simple as hanging out with your friends and having a good time, actually forgetting how you feel for a little while because you're friends actually invoked a smile upon your lips. You cannot "snap out of it" and be happy just like that. This is clawing your way out of a thousand foot well with dark mind and thought demons pulling you away from the light at the top as you fight as hard as you can kicking and screaming your way to the top inch by inch only to be dragged back down ten, twenty, thirty feet into the darkness that you tried so hard to escape.