Everyone Is Different

I'm going to start off by saying, everyone is different, no two people are exactly the same; we cannot judge someone based on our own problems. They may be going through something similar, but they won't deal with it the same way you do.

There's a person I've known for almost two years, her sister and I are great friends, we ride our horses together (safety in numbers you know. We're stupid teenage girls, we go a little outside our parental set boundaries and fess up later) we used to be closer than we are now, and it's fine that we're not as close. But, because I'm close friends with her sister, I find out what is said behind my back. In her words I'm "BSing" about my depression. There's "no possible way" I could have depression. Because I'm not on medication for it, I haven't been to the hospital from it, and my scars are no longer visible "there's no possible way". Yet, she will sit with you for hours when you confide in her saying that everyone deals with depression differently. Her sister and I both suffer from depression, but since we don't show it, it's not possible.

The difference between her and I? I write uplifting things on my stomach, arms, legs, and chest. Things like "I love you," "you're needed," and other things I've been told to remind me that if I kill myself, I'm only hurting them. She will cut the degrading words into her body, only furthering her pain emotionally as well as physically. I'll go out and deal with the world; make myself ignore the screaming demons in my head. She will lock herself away and dwell on things, only making herself feel worse until she lets it out in a screaming fit. Pushing people who would care about her out of her life. I'm not saying she's doing everything wrong and I'm right. I'm saying that it's better to push yourself from the darkness and help a sunbeam with mundane tasks than to succumb to what you want to do when all you want to do is cry alone in your room listening to songs that make you feel worse.

Professionals have said that the best thing to do when you're depressed is to help someone else, take your mind off yourself. I know that it can be the hardest thing in the world to get up and help someone else, paste a smile on my face and help them as if nothing is wrong. If you have a pet, what if they get a thorn in their foot? What if they need food? Water? To be let out? Will you not do it when they depend on you? What about children? "Mom! I'm hungry!" "Dad! My sock is wet!" "I can't brush my hair, can you help me?" "I can't figure out this question on my homework assignment, can you help me figure it out?" As much as it may be hard to do these tasks, we do them. Why? Because we know that we are needed. Let me say that again, but a little different. You are needed. Someone needs you. You might not see it, but even if you can't do much, think about this. When you're helping them, are you still thinking about what you can't do?

As hard as it may be, try thinking about what good you are doing in your life instead of thinking about what you're not capable of. I know how hard that can be, trust me, some days it almost physically pains me to get up and work with my animals, do my chores, take my mom places, go grocery shopping. But, I know that I have to, and if I'm to be completely honest, that has kept me from killing myself. Knowing that I am needed is the foremost reason why I haven't. Someone who needs you could be, your pet, your parent, your child, your friend, your life partner, anyone that you know who loves you. They need you, even if you or they don't realize it.

That's why I am always doing something, why I can't just sit down and watch TV for hours if I'm not sick. I can't stand to sit there and pity myself only making me feel worse. The feelings come back as soon as I go back to my house and do nothing again, so I keep busy and I don't tell anyone why. I try my best to make everything seem as normal as possible and I can only do that when I'm busy.

I'm not being a hypocrite about the advice I give about this either, I try hard to follow it as much as I can. I may not always be successful, but no one is going to be perfect at following advice when they feel like staying under the blankets to cry until there are no tears left to cry.

I want to let everyone know that "You are loved." Because, I can never stop reminding myself. The second I do, I start thinking about how I could hurt myself. I can never let go because it won't be pretty. I have to always remember that I'm loved and that I'm needed.