The Guilt

     I sit here today having what is yet another pain filled, guilt filled day. So many days begin and end this way. Far more than I would like, far more than anyone would like. It takes such a toll on ones psyche. It is such a blow to ones self esteem and self worth. It is often simply overwhelming.

     I have missed more of my daughters Lacrosse games than I would like to admit. I simply could not get myself out of the house or off of the recliner to go. I have missed my stepson playing baseball for the same reasons. Forget about getting on the floor and playing with my two year old. I could get down there but who will help me get up when I am stuck down there and alone with him? I have slept through family movie nights and cried while they all played outside. The guilt I feel as a mom is unexplainable. 

     I watch my boyfriend come home from a long day of work, tired and hurting himself, and feel like such a disappointment when dinner is not made. The days I have to ask him to throw in some frozen pizzas because I couldn't stand in the kitchen long enough to make dinner. The days when he comes home and cleans up all the toys or vacuums the carpets because I have been unable to accomplish anything.  Days like today, when he finally gets a full day off and spends the majority of it cleaning and taking care of the baby because I've been in pain and haven't slept for days. 

     At times, I feel as if I am just useless as a mother, a girlfriend, a person. The guilt eats at me to the point that I find my most used phrase being 'I'm sorry'. What none if them know is that I am apologizing not just for leaving things undone or for not being there, I'm apologizing for who I am, for who I have become. 

     There is never a time when I do not feel guilty for being this way. I feel broken inside and out. This illness has turned my life upside down, but I'm not concerned with myself. The part that kills me the most is that it has taken so much from my family. They deserve a mother who can give them every ounce of her time and attention, a significant other who can contribute financially and take care of the duties at home, they deserve so much more than I seem to be able to give them. 

     This is the part of chronic illness/ chronic pain that many people do not understand. The part where we feel less than whole, where we take so much on ourselves and are filled with guilt for what we are not. I can only hope that people will find a way to see this side of their loved ones who are living this way. 

     I am lucky, despite my shortcomings. My kids have been more than understanding. My boyfriend has stood by me for 7 years, holding my hand in the hospital, wiping my brow after surgery, supporting me through the good and bad news. Most of my family has stood beside me and hugged me through the tears and reassured me on my bad days. Not everyone has this, not everyone is as lucky as I.  Please if you know someone going through this, don't question them or doubt them. Simply love them through it.