It's gets harder before it gets easier
Lately I have been really struggling to do just the most basic of things. Typing a small Facebook post takes me 20 minutes because my hands are so shaky that I have to correct things 80 times. Opening a bottle of icy hot is something I need help with. Pouring a cup of coffee is comical as more ends up on the counter than in the cup. I don't own a computer, I know shocking, but last year my mom bought me a keyboard that attaches to my phone and its the only way I'm able to write this today. Thank God for the things my mom thinks of and how very kind her gifts always are!
The harsh reality that I will most likely have to endure another spine surgery is really starting to hit me. A part of me wants to keep the arm and hand problems to myself, to not share with my doctor what is happening. I know that when I tell him he will immediately say its time, I also know I am not ready for those words. So I could go in and just keep my mouth shut, but that wont matter because my boyfriend will be beside me this time and he will most definitely tell the truth, and even if I did the consequences of that are more scary than the surgery itself. I am stuck.
I am stuck in a place where if I continue to try to deal with this I could very easily wind up paralyzed from the neck down and if I don't well, I will be getting my neck cut open again and have even more metal. Both scenarios are scary, but I know that surgery is the less scary option.
This brings me back to the guilt. At some point my family is going to have to care for me even more than they already do. I will need help showering (after surgery the neck brace cannot even be removed to shower for at least 2 weeks.) I will need help keeping up the house, taking care of my 2 year old, making dinner (I'm thinking I could make and freeze some in advance.) I will even need help going to the restroom and changing my clothing. You would be surprised how limited you are when you have zero motion to your neck.
It is in the quiet moments, when the house is full of sleeping people and I am alone with my thoughts, that I deal with all of the emotions. The fear, the pain, and most of all the guilt. I don't know if I will ever stop feeling guilty for being this way, for who I am. I find myself more and more lately saying I wish I didn't have to be this way. The reality is though, I am this way, I can't change it. I did nothing to cause it and therefore I cannot feel guilty for what is wrong with me.
I'm still searching for that moment when all of the realities will hit me, I'm waiting for the time I will stop blaming myself. Until then, I guess I just better start preparing myself and my family for the inevitable surgery.
The harsh reality that I will most likely have to endure another spine surgery is really starting to hit me. A part of me wants to keep the arm and hand problems to myself, to not share with my doctor what is happening. I know that when I tell him he will immediately say its time, I also know I am not ready for those words. So I could go in and just keep my mouth shut, but that wont matter because my boyfriend will be beside me this time and he will most definitely tell the truth, and even if I did the consequences of that are more scary than the surgery itself. I am stuck.
I am stuck in a place where if I continue to try to deal with this I could very easily wind up paralyzed from the neck down and if I don't well, I will be getting my neck cut open again and have even more metal. Both scenarios are scary, but I know that surgery is the less scary option.
This brings me back to the guilt. At some point my family is going to have to care for me even more than they already do. I will need help showering (after surgery the neck brace cannot even be removed to shower for at least 2 weeks.) I will need help keeping up the house, taking care of my 2 year old, making dinner (I'm thinking I could make and freeze some in advance.) I will even need help going to the restroom and changing my clothing. You would be surprised how limited you are when you have zero motion to your neck.
It is in the quiet moments, when the house is full of sleeping people and I am alone with my thoughts, that I deal with all of the emotions. The fear, the pain, and most of all the guilt. I don't know if I will ever stop feeling guilty for being this way, for who I am. I find myself more and more lately saying I wish I didn't have to be this way. The reality is though, I am this way, I can't change it. I did nothing to cause it and therefore I cannot feel guilty for what is wrong with me.
I'm still searching for that moment when all of the realities will hit me, I'm waiting for the time I will stop blaming myself. Until then, I guess I just better start preparing myself and my family for the inevitable surgery.
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