The Pain Behind The Smile
I look all around me and see smiles. I see people with beautiful faces, beautiful smiles and beautiful lives. But, everyone is hurting in one way or another. I can see it because I’m going through it, but a lot of others can’t.
Today I went to one of my best friends and cried. For no reason. Just cried and hugged her right because I knew that she’s there for me.
So much is going on in my life right now. My mother’s a pain because she tries to be independent and she can’t be, refuses to listen when we tell her that she can’t do the things she thinks she can. My horse grew a couple of lumps that once opened up would remind you of a cyst that humans get and couldn’t and/or wouldn’t eat. Both of my parents depend on me for help with various different things. Out of eleven classes I have eight Fs and a D that is almost an F because my depression makes me want to hide under the covers and watch little kid shows all day because thinking hurts. My best friend thought I was calling them a liar because I thought someone’s thought process was stupid. I become an “adult” soon; that in itself is terrifying.
I’m tired. My brain hurts. I want it to go away. I want it all to go away. But, it won’t; that’s not how things work. I’m under so much pressure right now that I can’t even think. The end of the semester is coming up next month. My family doesn’t understand no matter how I put it. My good friend of the family who was going to talk to my parents about my depression and the fact that I may need to see a doctor about it hasn’t talked to them yet.
I just want to cry with my bunny and horse and stay there, only coming into appearances to get food. I’m in the dark here. I’m flying blind in a pitch black storm having never gotten a pilots license in a plane carrying who knows what because so many people need me. I’m tired and I wish that I could just hand the controls over to someone one else for a while, I wish I could stop long enough to think so that I know what to do, but that’s not going to happen and I know it’s not.
Today I went to one of my best friends and cried. For no reason. Just cried and hugged her right because I knew that she’s there for me.
So much is going on in my life right now. My mother’s a pain because she tries to be independent and she can’t be, refuses to listen when we tell her that she can’t do the things she thinks she can. My horse grew a couple of lumps that once opened up would remind you of a cyst that humans get and couldn’t and/or wouldn’t eat. Both of my parents depend on me for help with various different things. Out of eleven classes I have eight Fs and a D that is almost an F because my depression makes me want to hide under the covers and watch little kid shows all day because thinking hurts. My best friend thought I was calling them a liar because I thought someone’s thought process was stupid. I become an “adult” soon; that in itself is terrifying.
I’m tired. My brain hurts. I want it to go away. I want it all to go away. But, it won’t; that’s not how things work. I’m under so much pressure right now that I can’t even think. The end of the semester is coming up next month. My family doesn’t understand no matter how I put it. My good friend of the family who was going to talk to my parents about my depression and the fact that I may need to see a doctor about it hasn’t talked to them yet.
I just want to cry with my bunny and horse and stay there, only coming into appearances to get food. I’m in the dark here. I’m flying blind in a pitch black storm having never gotten a pilots license in a plane carrying who knows what because so many people need me. I’m tired and I wish that I could just hand the controls over to someone one else for a while, I wish I could stop long enough to think so that I know what to do, but that’s not going to happen and I know it’s not.
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